Team America.

I was out of the country for the past five days in the Dominican Republic.   It was, quite laterally, paradise.

I drank, gambled, and yelled at strangers.  These are three of my favorite things  to do in the sun.

Strangely enough whilst yelling at a Russian couple I realised something profound:  Being patriotic is very much like being a sports fan.


There was more than one time when other vacationers, from other countries, would “hate” on me/Americans.

Now, I do realize the massive ego it takes for me to feel as though hating on me means that you hate all Americans.  But, I am in fact American, and that massive ego is why some people from abroad dislike us.  So here we go.

There was a Russian couple in particular that pissed me off the most.  They seemed to be giving me dirty looks all week (I was drunk the whole time, so it’s quite possible it was all in my head).

Finally, on my last full day, my mom, my step-dad, and I were at the pool laughing very loudly and obnoxiously at god only knows what.  That was when this Russian couple (who were out to get me from go) walked by and in a mocking tone said:

[Russian couple] Ohh haha, I am American! Hahaha, jibber jabber.  Americans.

[me] FUCK OFF Russia.

[Russian guy] (who, by the way was three times my size, and could kill me with a pinkie) We are from the Ukraine.  American.

[me] Same thing bro.

Now, the fact that he just kept walking, and did not destroy me in front of his amazingly hot girl friend is amazing.

The funny thing is that he knew exactly who I was and where I was from: a dick from America.  But I noticed them, at first, only because the girls fake tits had been shooting across the resort all week.  Otherwise, my ignorant ass lives in a world that revolves around me, and me only.

This, to me, was just like when I lived in Baltimore and Orioles fans would hate and mock Yankee fans any chance they got to do so.  But, on the same token, Yankee fans were always indifferent at best to thoes same O’s fans.

You see, Yankee’s fans are not even aware of the fact that O’s fans exist, let alone hate on them.  And, if a Yankee fan does become aware of this fact they will undoubtedly say: Who cares?  The O’s are insignificant.  And we have better pizza!

I don’t know what this means.  And, I don’t think people from other countries are “insignificant”.

But.  There is something to be said for the fact that everyone notices us in other countries (and this has happened to me before while traveling abroad), but we just go about our way being harmlessly obnoxious.  Maybe it’s ignorance.  Maybe it’s tolerance.  Maybe it’s just obnoxious.

I apologise if this made no sense.  But, in true American fashion, I just farted it out of my mouth with no regard.


11 Responses to Team America.

  1. bwp says:

    “FUCK OFF RUSSIA” is the best thing I have ever heard in my life.

    I try B-Dub

  2. meagank says:

    I am, frankly, quite proud of you for this. Quite a pair on you, sir. Quite a pair.

    I’m not really as ballsy as I am drunkbut thanks

  3. Lemmonex says:

    So eloquent you are. Those Ukranians are stone cold killers. Glad you made it out alive.

    I grew up in RI with a mom who is a huge Yanks fan and a father who lives and dies for the Os. I went with the Red Sox…because…I don’t know. Probably to piss them off.

    Really the only thing I like about baseball are beers in the scorching sun and men in tight pants.

    We do share a love for men in tight pants… I MEAN SPORTS, I LIKE SPORTS!

  4. I wrote a blog about this very subject not so long ago and, with this post, you have simultaneously confirmed and destroyed my prejudices in a single stroke. Well played sir. Well played indeed.

  5. deutlich says:

    I love being an American.

    Oh yes.

  6. apollocreed says:

    It’s like the Seinfeld when Kramer is saying “The Ukraine is weak!” and that dude flips out. Well, not really, but it’s close enough.


  7. Maxie says:

    The Yankees can fuck off and go eat the devil’s asshole.

    – an O’s fan

  8. lbluca77 says:

    People always know I am from America. I think its the whole blonde white girl thing I got going on.

  9. jcarter says:


  10. justjp says:

    “You see, Yankee’s fans are not even aware of the fact that O’s fans exist, let alone hate on them. And, if a Yankee fan does become aware of this fact they will undoubtedly say: Who cares? The O’s are insignificant. And we have better pizza!”

    Best. Analogy. Ever!

    I was called a terrorist when I was in Australia. Funny part was it was a chick!

  11. shine says:

    I was totally with you with the whole patriotic/sports fan comparison. Until you explained it. Now I’m confused.

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