I fuckin’ rule man.

Apparently I’m a self absorbed ass hole.  Today at work this happened.

[female co-worker] – “your single right? why don’t you ask her out?”

[me] – “she’s not cute enough”

[female co-worker] – “you think every girl in the world wants you don’t you?”

[me] – “yes”

[female co-worker] – “your an asshole”

[me] – “yes”

This is not my fault people.  I blame my mother.  Every day before school she would tell me that I was very handsome.  What little boy does not believe what his mother tells him?  Am I to think that the person who gave me life (and saved it many times) is a liar?

… Well, I should tell you that this is a woman who, when I was a child would tell me that “The Man” would come take me away if I miss-behaved.

Can you fucking believe that??  There I was like 6 or 7 thinking that my mom was just gonna let some fucker come take me away to god knows where to do god knows what to me.

*shudder*

I’m convinced that is at least part of why I have  such a  self destructive personality. Or something like that…

Anyway, I’m really not that conceited, but people in relationships just get ridiculous sometimes when it comes to being single. They act like us “singles” have some kind of disease.  They always want to “set you up” with someone.  AKA cure you of your single.

I’m doin’ great people!

I do what I want when I want, by myself.  I eat dinner whenever I want, alone.  I don’t have to wait because someone wants to share their day and nice thoughts with me (who wants that?).   I can drink all this wine solo.  The walls of this 70 year old house never talk back (except all night long because I live, practically alone, in a haunted house with lots of EMPTY rooms)…

Wait.  What was I saying?  I forgot cause I just spent that last 15 minutes sobbing.

Xanax.

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14 Responses to I fuckin’ rule man.

  1. This was quite possibly the most Italian-American thing I’ve ever read.

    OH!

  2. apollocreed says:

    One of my favorites exchanges on the show:

    Kramer: I mean, what are you thinking about Jerry? Marriage? Family?

    Jerry: Well …

    Kramer: They’re prisons! Man-made prisons. You’re doing time! You get up in the morning, she’s there! You go to sleep at night, she’s there! It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. “Is it all right if I use the bathroom now???”

    Jerry: Really?

    Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you’re eating.

    Jerry: I can?

    Kramer: Oh, yeah! You know why? Because it’s dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?

    Jerry: What?

    Kramer: You talk about your day. “How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? I don’t know, how about you, how was your day?”

    Jerry: Boy!

    Kramer: It’s sad, Jerry. It’s a sad state of affairs.

    Jerry: I’m glad we had this talk.

    Kramer: Oh, you have no idea!

    Kramer: You’re wasting your life.
    George: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life.
    Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
    George: No.
    Kramer: You got money?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have a woman?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
    George: No.
    Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
    George: Uh, no.
    Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
    George: No.
    Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
    George: I like to get the Daily News.

  3. bwp says:

    I often look in the mirror and say to myself “Hello gorgeous, don’t you ever die!” and wink. It’s true.

    un-doubted and well deserved

  4. Ben says:

    Did Chris really just copy and paste an entire scene from Seinfeld? What a fangirl…

    He is a bit dandy.

  5. lbluca77 says:

    Is there some kind of ointment I can put on to cure my singleness? i’m into rubbing stuff on myself.

    I hate when I tell people i don’t want to get married and they act like I just punched a baby.

    next time skip the middle man. say nothing, and just punch the nearest baby.

  6. Lemmonex says:

    I once punched a baby. It didn’t go over well.

    My mother used to tell me that she had a family before she had me and she killed them so I better behave myself or she would kill me too. True story.

  7. tia says:

    i loved being single and living alone.

    except my “screwdrivers for breakfast on weekdays” phase. that didn’t go so well, and there was no one to talk me out of it.

    now i’m oversharing.

  8. pecosa says:

    People in relationships are the ones with the disease. All that sharing and cuddling and talking…who has time for that???

    Oh, and haunted house? I’m intrigued…

  9. justjp says:

    It’s an interesting paradox: Relationship people want you to be “set up” or “with someone” but when that said person becomes single, you are their first call to “learn the game” again. Simply, misery loves company. Screw them. Plus, if you piss a girl off when your are single, you move to the next one. Blue ballz need not apply.

  10. Matt says:

    “I do what I want when I want by myself”.

    Yes! Thats the number one reason why I love being single. Really the only downside is you dont have the in-house cutty.

  11. Just A Girl says:

    I won’t lie, I kind of hate being single but only because I’ve been single for awhile. I miss having good sex, because my exes are kind of unimpressive in bed. But people think I’m all desperate and shit, and try to set me up with guys I wouldn’t go out with if they paid me and I’m like “No thanks assholes. I’ll just masturbate and not share my beer.”

  12. J says:

    Ghosts make good cuddle buddies.
    As long as you don’t mind the dead, vaporish part.

  13. Just come here coz I read BWP’s post of your text message lives and I love it! Putting you on my blogroll now.

  14. apollocreed says:

    Paul Martinell.

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