Ladies man

So I decided recently it would be a good idea to volunteer a bit.  I have a good life that I certainly do not deserve, and the amount of degenerate behavior is not going down as the years go up.  So I figured that delivering some old people food would make up for at least a couple of hours of debauchery…

For the most part it was a great Saturday morning.  I had 18 deliveries on my route.  All sweet old ladies, and all of whom told me I was so very handsome, and wonderful (shit I’ll take a ‘good looks’ compliment any day, even if they are like 80yrs old).  I was happy, my first volunteering experience was a success.  These ladies reminded me of my last living grand-parent.  You see my Nanny needs a food delivery service as well, and if I can’t help Nana (cause she lives in Kentucky now, which is heartbreaking in and of itself) at least I can help someones grandma.  A good deed that made me feel wholesome…

The last delivery was to Hellen Elderly (I mean I think that was her name).  When I got to the door it was almost open all the way, and had this sign on it…

Um, ok…

Me: [Knocking] Hello.. Helen.. It’s JP from the senior center, I got your hot lunch… (insert your own joke)

I start knocking harder, and peer in a bit, and see this…

That’s right folks XXXX Rated Films (Not just triple X, there’s a extra X!!), and then Helen (she looks about 500yrs old) emerges wearing a robe…

Helen: Ohh, I had no idea, can you put the food over there.

she motions to the kitchen…

Me: No!

Hellen: Dear, I’m not coming to the door in just my robe the public may see me.

If you were worried about people seeing you THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN??  But she insisted, so I obliged.

Inside was what looked like an old-timey porn museum.  There were posters with all the different sexual positions, naked lady/man sculptures and paintings, and a strong odor of moth balls.

I dropped the food on the kitchen counter, and bolted.  I could hear her ask me to stay as I ran outside to vomit.

Long story short she may have scared me for life with her sexual innuendo, and her old lady come hither creep show, but then again it was the most action I saw that Sat night.


12 Responses to Ladies man

  1. Matt says:

    I love how that old lady used a whole roll of scotch tape to tape up her sign to the door.

    aaaand its about fucking time you posted again. You joined Twitter to? is this a comeback?

  2. apollocreed says:

    What do you think? She was probably hot back in the day right?

  3. […] you’re looking for a good story today, go to my friend J.P.’s blog, and check out his post about an encounter with old lady […]

  4. Vanessa says:

    Old men try that sh*t all the darn time. Bout time the old ladies step up their game! Holla at cha girl Hellen! lol

  5. justjp says:

    Lol, bro! Really? I mean I have seen some messed up shiz in my time, but a 500 yr. old porn star. Wow!

  6. Kelly says:

    I’m totally thinking that you went to Blue Iris’s house (she’s from the Howard Stern show… Old lady porn chick.)

  7. Akilah Sakai says:

    Where does she live? I’d like to hang out with her sometime. She’s definitely got some good stories!

  8. Mel says:

    LOL… could be worse right… could be old lady mexico freak show with the donkey porn?

  9. Matt – don’t underestimate my flakyness, but yeah I’m back baby!

    Chris – Definitely used to be a hot lady. Definitely not anymore.

    Vanessa – Ahh yes creepy old men. I don’t envy dealing w/them.

    Kelly – Holly shit you’re right, this now makes me kinda famous, right!

    JustJP – You stole my name!! Lol, but it was pretty messed up.

    Akilah – Upper west side, really nice building, you can come volunteer w/me every 4th sat.

    Mel – Who says that would be worse!

  10. Lemmonex says:

    God, I really thought she meant tours every 15 minutes of her apartment, the old timey porn capitol of the USA, not of her…ahem…dank lady bits. It took a few minutes to really settle in there.

    I need a hug.

  11. Lem – I took several showers.

  12. LiLu says:

    I aspire to be that woman someday.

    What? At least she’s keepin it spicy…

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