I always like to tell Chris that he is mean. Just read Surviving Myself, you’ll get it.
I like to talk about I’m so socially diplomatic, fair in judgement, and just generally level headed. And, if I do have an out-burst it was certainly warranted.
If you don’t live in NYC you may not know about the AM NY, or Metro newspaper guys. They stand at the entrance of subway stops in the morning and hand out their free papers. These guys are characters to say the least. One time me friend Keith saw the AMNY guy beat up the Metro guy after the Metro guy said to AM:
“Your mama is like a hot sandwich: sloppy and delicious!!
I’m not quite sure what that means, but I’d probably knock someone out for saying it. Anyway.
For a little over a month there have been two new paper guys at the stop I get out of every single morning. For a while nothing was out of place. They would both offer me a paper, and I would deny. I don’t like to read.
After a while though I noticed what I thought was these paper guys laughing at me. I brushed it off, and just turned up whatever stupid loud metal was on the pod. But it kept happening.
What reason do these guys have to laugh at me? I not happy in the morning, but I’m still very handsome and well put together at all times. I’m not limping, no second head, what the fuck!
It got to the point where they were pointing. I was flipping out. Am I imagining this, or are these two dudes ridiculing me, and having a grand ol’ time mocking me daily!
So, on Thursday I was ready. As I approached the steps as I always do I paused my ipod (genius!) When I got to the top not only were they pointing and laughing I hear the Metro guy say:
“There he is! 7:15 every day!”
me: “Hey man, fuck you!”
AMguy: (laughing) “Nah wait man, it’s you!”
me: Fuck you! Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!!!!… double middle fingers blazing! Very cleaver I know.
Yelling, and causing a good old fashion scene. I was triumphant. I will not be made the fool!
The next day comes and I am again approaching the stairs. Turning my ipod off again, forming my middle fingers I was ready. But, just before I could blast off:
Metroguy: Hey man, don’t be mad at us. You just really look like our sole leader.
AMguy: Yeah man, Alex! You look just like Alex. He helped us get off drugs, and get these jobs! He is our spiritual leader! We love Alex!
me: Oh, uhh (middle fingers retracting). Well, Alex sounds awesome, un-like my rude ass. Im sorry for the fuck you stuff.
Metroguy: No worries man, have a nice day…
I’m such an ass.