Explanation

Ok, so it’s not that I don’t like books or stories.  I just don’t like the act of reading.  

You see I am a slow man.  

I was slow as a child as well.  My parents got me tested, like for IQ, and learning disabilities and stuff.  And as it turned out they told my parents that I was a retarded  ”Learning Disabled” student.  Reading comprehension being my weakest area. 

Great!

So when I read I read slow.  Most of the time I read the same sentence/paragraph twice.  It feels like home work.

I like books on tape.. er, I mean Mp3.  Whatever I got a bunch of em on my Iphone, I can just listen.  It’s nice.  Some of my friends say I’m really not reading the book, and they’re right.  But fuck it.  Ahab sinks to his death I get it.

But guess what else… I can’t spell to save my life either.  And this is my public apology to all my readers (all the throngs and hoards of loyal readers!).  My bad, cause spell check is great n all but shit like- which and witch or passed and past -yeah, that shit spell check don’t pick up on.  No grammar neither.

So for those of you who have read:  Thanks for not putting my dumb ass on blast.

New topic:

I have no Internet at work god dammit!  

Shit man, if I could do this at work I think I’d Jizz in My Pants!  I mean what better way to kill 2 hours… um yeah I have trouble writing shit too.  It sucks that I’m relegated to reading your blogs on my Iphone at lunch, smoke breaks, and in-between twittering when my boss is not around (that sounded hot).

Ohh yeah, and I’m also sorry for not commenting.  I’m really kind of a novice with this blog thing, but I’m guessing that’s gotta be rude.  Figures cause I’m rude and flaky in the rest of my life so why would it change here. 

And for good measure.

Good Talk.  See ya out there.

Headbutt Fail

It was a normal St.Patty’s for me.  I went directly to a bar after work and began to drink.  When I Meet up with Chris, he was with his boys Kyle and Dave.  So now we were four dudes.  Let’s go!

At one point this girl comes out of nowhere, grabbed my ass, then hid behind Chris.  Weird, but it’s a holiday so whatever.  But then she creeps up again.  This time she got right up in my grill…

DrunkGirl:  I think I’m in love with you…

Me:  So let’s get married then.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know.  Cheeeseey.

I thought she didn’t like it either cause she just bounced right after I said it.  But again she creeps up…

DrunkGirl:  I love you,but I have a BF.

Me: Well fuck…

I was gonna continue with “that sucks”, but I was promptly Kiss Raped.  I mean full on sloppy drunk face plant!  So now we win the Classy Award for making out in the middle of the bar.  A bunch of times.  It was kinda awesome.  Anyway, all of the sudden out of nowhere some drunk asshole (yes I do fit that description as well) yanks this girl away…

Drunkass: [not quite slurring] We’re leaving!

Now, I don’t know if this is the BF, or just some Johnny Cockblock.  So, I figured not to disrespect…

Me: I’m sorry buddy, but we were just talking and making out a little.

DrunkAss: [yelling] I said we’re leaving!

Me:  [laughing] Ok bro, let me just ask the young lady for her number. [@DrunkGirl]  What was you number… Um, and name?

DrunkGirl:  Giggles:)

DrunkAss:  I will END YOU Bro!

Me: [hysterical]  What does that mean like end my life or.. are you coming on to me?!

HEADBUTT!!!

Yup, dude headbutted me.  But not the good kind where my nose shoots blood, my eyes water up, and before I know it I’ve been pummeled to the ground.  Nope.  This was a headbutt like when your cat gingerly nudges you in the face on a Saturday morning cause it’s bored, and drunk.  The dude.  Not the cat.

So anyway, it was weak.  And with my glasses not even being smudged.  I lunged.  What I didn’t notice is that the whole bar was watching, and by then we were both held back, and they were kicked out.  I tried to follow (for the girls number), but was persuaded by Dave and his girl (Chris and Kyle had left) to stick around.  We took shots and laughed.

WTF is it about St. Patty’s day, and Holloween that makes girls wanna make out so bad?

Metallica

I wrote this on the bus and train

I take a bus to the East 180 train station to catch the 2-train every morning.

Today I was running late (thanks Glenlivet), so I forgot that my monthly pass expired yesterday. This is usually no problem. The bus driver will just let me through cause it’s 6:30am, and who the fuck wants to enforce rules this early. But today it was some other assbag who wouldn’t let me on.

Me: Come on man, I don’t got any change.
Assbag: [flatly] Not my problem.
Me: Fuck You Assbag.

I went down the block and tried to break a $10, but bodega guy told me I had to buy somthing. I grabbed a pack of gum.

I took my change, hopped on the next bus 10min later, and the card machine on that bus was busted!

***Fee Rides, happy St. Patty!***

I wanted to be ironicly mad, but how can you be mad starting the day with Happy St. Patty!

So, now I will spend the rest of the day looking forward to many Whisky Rocks tonight! (what kind of whisky?… all of em!)

Metal Post

On Tuesday night I went to see Senses Fail.  Previously I had called them and Emo band.  I was wrong. These guys were as hardcore as they come.  They stuck with the heavy stuff (staying away from some of their whiny boy my daddy was mean songs), and even pulled off a pretty kick ass version of Metallica’s Battery.  Awesome!  (no where near as awesome as Metallica)

So we all know metal shows have mosh pits.  It ends up being the closest thing any man can come to a Fight Club (love that fucking movie!).  You jump into the pit, and throw yourself or someone else on the ground.  Sounds brilliant!

Anyway, It’s been an easy 10 years since I’ve been in one. I really wasn’t sure what to expect, so I figured I would just hang back and check out the action.  You know, see if I still had it in me…

Fatal mistake.  You see you don’t chose the pit, it chooses you.  Lucky for me when I was unknowingly tossed in I had already safely stashed the Prada glasses (yup, I just name dropped Prada), but my dumb ass still had on my Big Boy Business Man Hugo Boss watch (still name dropping).

So I was shoved (by some teenager) and I very gracefully fell flat on my back.  When I hit the ground my watch popped off and in slow motion leaped into the air.  

Me: Noooooooooo!  My Big Boy Business Man Hugo Boss Waaaatch!  (yes I did say the whole thing)

I spotted it land next to some kid in a red hoodie, I sprung to me feet ready to reclaim my treasure, and FUCKING BAM!!  Elbow to the eye son!  I think this guy was like 20 feet tall, 500lbs of muscle, like 2 Arnolds circa ‘83… or some high school kid who the fuck knows, I was down!  

But, as mosh etiqutte dictates this dude picked me right back up, asked me if i was cool.

Me:  Fuck yeah Bro!

And he threw me back.  The rest of the night I got to know the floor more than I had planned.  It was kinda awesome.

During the one whiny boy choruses they did play I snuck outta the pit, spotted red hoodie…

Red Hoodie:  Hey I think you lost your Big Boy Business Man Hugo Boss Waaaatch!  (just let it happen).

A great night!

Senses Fail song: Rum Is For Drinking Not Burning

My Eye:

Arnold Circa ‘83:

more Metallica if your still here

Ladies man

So I decided recently it would be a good idea to volunteer a bit.  I have a good life that I certainly do not deserve, and the amount of degenerate behavior is not going down as the years go up.  So I figured that delivering some old people food would make up for at least a couple of hours of debauchery…

For the most part it was a great Saturday morning.  I had 18 deliveries on my route.  All sweet old ladies, and all of whom told me I was so very handsome, and wonderful (shit I’ll take a ‘good looks’ compliment any day, even if they are like 80yrs old).  I was happy, my first volunteering experience was a success.  These ladies reminded me of my last living grand-parent.  You see my Nanny needs a food delivery service as well, and if I can’t help Nana (cause she lives in Kentucky now, which is heartbreaking in and of itself) at least I can help someones grandma.  A good deed that made me feel wholesome…

The last delivery was to Hellen Elderly (I mean I think that was her name).  When I got to the door it was almost open all the way, and had this sign on it…

Um, ok…

Me: [Knocking] Hello.. Helen.. It’s JP from the senior center, I got your hot lunch… (insert your own joke)

I start knocking harder, and peer in a bit, and see this…

That’s right folks XXXX Rated Films (Not just triple X, there’s a extra X!!), and then Helen (she looks about 500yrs old) emerges wearing a robe…

Helen: Ohh, I had no idea, can you put the food over there.

she motions to the kitchen…

Me: No!

Hellen: Dear, I’m not coming to the door in just my robe the public may see me.

If you were worried about people seeing you THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN??  But she insisted, so I obliged.

Inside was what looked like an old-timey porn museum.  There were posters with all the different sexual positions, naked lady/man sculptures and paintings, and a strong odor of moth balls.

I dropped the food on the kitchen counter, and bolted.  I could hear her ask me to stay as I ran outside to vomit.

Long story short she may have scared me for life with her sexual innuendo, and her old lady come hither creep show, but then again it was the most action I saw that Sat night.